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You know, I'm pretty much against "democracy" and "elections", but Barack Obama's doing the right thing to attract my demographic:
"This poor little mouse," he said, holding up the candy for the cameras. "This is the end of him." |
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Some rather incompetent video editing by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) bram, but still... My first YouTube!
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This year I resolve to impress the pretty senoritas who pet me on the head by leaving them the corpses of small yard animals!
I resolve to:
- Kill more mice. The cute little gray ones!
- Kill more chipmunks!
- Kill more squirrels and separate their top and bottom halves!
- Ah, fuck it! Kill some deer too!
- Be a grisly agent of death and destruction of the backyard fauna in general! (Not just fauns!)
- Send Timmy to the work camps so he might never ever ever have territorial designs on my designated territory!
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Dec. 13th, 2006 @ 03:05 pm
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Does anybody know where I can get some catnip laced with a little Polonium?
Timmy the cat is back. I thought he had "disappeared". I learned a thing or two from my late buddy General Pinochet about disappearing one's enemies.
General Augusto Pinochet: So you see, Chairman, sometimes letting dissidents return from torture or labor camps to tell their stories can impart a beneficial sense of fear to the populace.
Chairman Meow: Under the chin. Pet me under the chin. And then rub from the base of my whiskers to the cheek. Like that.
Pinochet: Yes, chairman. Whatever you say. I will pet you that way if you insist. I am an old man, about to die, and whatever my legacy among the people of Chile, and in spite of my unwavering hostility towards Communism, I know that history in its final act will judge me according to how I treat the Dear Pet. As I was saying--so sometimes letting a rival cat survive in one's own backyard, albeit in a traumatized state--can keep the other cats in line. Nor is the effect lost on mice and chipmunks, I assure you.
Chairman Meow: Now I want to go on your shoulder. Your shoulder, do you hear! I must dig in my claws in case I fall down. That's all very well and good, Mr. Pinochet, but there is also the matter of my honor. And surely someone will go sniffing about trying to find how Timmy spent the last months. Growl! Oh, I thought I saw Timmy. It was just my reflection. And who's that man over there?
Putin: Here, Chairman, here little guy... I have some catnip for you! |
| » A chastened follower |
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My deepest apologies to the Dear Pet. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me the opportunity for re-education. I do not know how I can ever atone for calling you a "bad kitty."
I was arrogant to call myself a teacher when I myself had so much to learn. I look back and shudder to think that I taught the wise Chinese children to sing a song about a blackbird, celebrating its "recovery" from broken wings.
Now, Dear Pet, I recognize that the blackbird's wings were broken only that you could catch it more easily! Praise the Dear Pet! And Your Nine Lives eternal!
Thank You Thank You, Chairman, for giving me the opportunity to start life over again as a catnip farmer! I cannot adequately express my gratitude for this life ferrying Your kitty litter across the ocean to fertilize the catnip fields. This is truly the life that I was born for.
You, Chairman, are not only a Good Kitty, you are a Great Kitty, The Greatest Kitty, The Most Splendiferous Kitty Of All Time, and the world is your mouse.
In rapture at addressing You,
--csn
Dec. 16th, 2005 @ 01:01 am
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I know bram has an Amazon wish list, and it's his birthday and everything.
I'm not a feline to be outdone, as in, ever, as in a knock on the door in the middle of the night and anyone who tries to outdo me is done in, right?
Right.
So bram isn't going to get away with being the only one in the family to publicize his wish list. My wish list is better because it is more awesome and everything you buy goes to ME!!! So here it is...
Pamper me. I deserve it. I'm a cat.
Dec. 13th, 2005 @ 12:23 am
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The tree climbing was just practice...
Dec. 12th, 2005 @ 11:57 pm
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| » Help, I'm in a Tree and I Can't Get Down! |
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It's TREEson, I tell you! They stand down there dissenting and photographing and there's not a fireman in sight!
Let me up! Let me down! I will not tolerate dissent!
Sep. 11th, 2005 @ 10:50 am
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Kofi Annan
Secretary-General
United Nations
September 7, 2005
THE DANGEROUS FELINE FELON WHO GOES BY THE NAME "THE CHAIRMAN MEOW" HAS ESCAPED WHILE AWAITING TRIAL FOR CRIMES AGAINST RODENTARY AT THE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT IN THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS. *PLEASE APPROACH WITH CAUTION* AS THE CHAIRMAN IS PAWED AND DANGEROUS. ALIASES INCLUDE "THE ID KID", "MISTER HANDSOME BOY", AND "DARTH HANDSOME BOY". IF THE CHAIRMAN APPROACHES YOU, *PLEASE DO NOT DISSENT* NO MATTER WHAT HE MIGHT SAY ABOUT "LETTING A HUNDRED FLOWERS BLOOM". FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION YOU SHOULD IMMEDIATELY FEED HIM SOME CATNIP, PROVIDE FULL ACCESS TO ALL YOUR RODENTS (MICE, CHIPMUNKS, SQUIRRELS) AND HAND THEM OVER PERSONALLY TO ME HIM. OH SHIT I FUCKED UP, DIDN'T I?
You heard what the man said! GIVE ME YOUR RODENTS!
And no dissenting!
Sep. 7th, 2005 @ 03:19 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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You'll never believe what's happened to me!
I'm being held by the International Criminal Court in the Hague on suspicion of Rodentocide!
They are going to use this journal as evidence!
Imagine my surprise when the Black Helicopter swooped down in the rural deer-visited backyard of my Woodstock residence and the commandos encircled me armed with water pistols...
I tried to explain to the armored squad that I am not in fact the Woodstock War-Criminal but an affectionate house-cat who suffers from a little bad press, but all that came out was "Meow." I kept protesting and protesting but nobody seemed to speak my language. My captors brought me to the Netherlands, all the while playing cards to pass the time--special cards with evil dictators in place of the usual cartoon royals. I noted with satisfaction that I was on one of the Kings--if they're going to finally catch me at least they should fear me. I mean, I didn't do anything.
So here I am pacing in my cell like Rilke's frickin Panther. My case brings up plenty of unprecedented legal difficulties, my court-appointed lawyer says.
The US has signed but not ratified the treaty creating the International Court, so if I am a US citizen, I cannot be tried. On the other hand, I am a cat.
As a cat, I am not a US citizen, but come on, I'm a cat.
A cat is not exempt from crimes against humanity, my lawyer says--and in fact, may have special motive.
But it's not really humanity that was the target of my crimes, uh--youthful indiscretions, uh--playful mouse games. How does one objectively distinguish between a "mass grave" and a bunch of mice who in a burst of enthusiasm accidently flung themselves a little to vigorously at my claws?
I've about had it. Hey lawyer, tell this to the court: I will not tolerate dissent!!! And then tell them they can kiss my tail.
Sep. 5th, 2005 @ 10:54 pm
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My mother's on the left and I'm on the right.
I saw a movie with the freak bipeds. It was engrossing. I stopped meowing to be let outside.
It was "Hero"--please stop reading if you don't want to know how it ends because I'm about to tell you.
Anyway, it's a martial arts movie about the Emperor of China! You can see why I was so interested! Anything to do with the country I rule and the act of ruling strikes close to my heart!
I could really identify with the Chinese Emperor, particularly in the way that he was forced by circumstance--repeated assassination attempts--to stay ensconced within his castle, never venturing out into his wide kingdom, where he might, say, kill a chipmunk or bird or something.
So then this fucktard poses as a hero and turns out to be yet another bothersome gnat who would disobey the ruler's decrees! Haha, he gets killed though and all these arrows fly into him like my teeth into a mouse!
Haha! Obey the ruler! I'm the Chairman!
Sep. 4th, 2005 @ 06:24 pm
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Crossposted to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) miceparadise:
Excuse me, but I am new to this community and may not know the proper etiquette.
Would this be a proper place to post a personal ad along the lines of "cat seeks mouse"?
Thank you very much!
(I have always believed there were mice in paradise...)
Aug. 24th, 2005 @ 03:18 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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Well, well, well. Look who the cat dragged in.
It's Boswell to my Johnson.
No sooner does he show up but he starts dissenting!
I will not tolerate it!
"Let me out!" I scream.
"Oh, wook at the widdle pooty, the pooty want to pway with his widdle pooty tat toy?"
No, fuckface, I want you freakish bipeds to carry out my orders to the letter, do you understand? To the letter, and the letter is meow!
And if that's not a letter, it damn well should be!
...
I get the picture.
I'm under house arrest.
Here I am, the rightful leader of Communist China, and I'm trapped within a small ranch house in rural New York State. Ah, the evil machinations of my rivals are now apparent!
Please, if this message reaches anyone, please help me escape! (If you do, I won't let you dissent but maybe I'll purr.) Oh yes, and if you could point me toward an active LiveJournal of, say, a mouse, I would be greatly obliged!
Aug. 19th, 2005 @ 10:07 pm
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| » I WUV OO! |
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Now that I, The Chairman Meow, can type my own entries, I can dispel the wicked horrible stories that bram has been telling about me!
I am not an evil scary cat who uses harsh strongman tactics to hoard power and quell dissent. I am a wuvvable bundle of wuv who is covered in soft fur and I just want to rub up against you and have you pet me! I implore you to pet me! I am such a good little cat! I purr and I sit on your lap and I sit on your shoulder! Purr purr! Wuv Wuvv!
Do not believe those wicked stories! The Rodent Camps are perfectly humane. Every night we give them orange chicken, but can we help it that the rodents angrily refuse to eat it and go on a hunger strike? Those recalcitrant rodents! And what can you do with a recalcitrant rodent but eat it?
After playing with it for a while of course.
So there you have it. Wuv wuvv!
Now beat it, punk.
Jul. 2nd, 2005 @ 11:56 pm
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| » That's DARTH Handsome Boy!!! |
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I have decided to become a Sith Lord.
Haha, won't everyone be surprised when I use my light saber as a can-opener! When I use it to cut through the window and finally give Mister Squirrel a proper Sith Lord introduction!
Oh, I don't think anybody's going to be surprised by my Turn to the Dark Side.
I mean, what turn?
Fear me, rodents, for I can choke you with my mind!
May. 31st, 2005 @ 02:06 pm
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| » Here's one for the history books! |
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While those Chinese protestors are getting so worked up about Japanese atrocities being left out of the history books and trade imbalance and all that--
Nobody is noticing that the role of cats in the Chinese Communist Party has been completely excised from world history! I bet when you all think of Mao Zedong you all think of a human--instead of my true feline form.
How many of the atrocities normally attributed to humans--evil though humans have the potential to be, in my experience at the end of the day, they open the food cans--how many of those atrocities might have been committed by dogs instead? Look, I'm not a historian. I don't have the evidence. You look into it. Dogs are bad news, that's all I'm saying.
And what about China and its civet cats? I tell you, mess with the felines and you're gonna get SARS or something.
History. It's all about cats and dogs.
Apr. 18th, 2005 @ 10:20 pm
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| » I'm Da Cat! |
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"So you see, Mr. Chairman," the man had said, "You present a contradiction. As a Siamese cat, you represent Siam, or modern Thailand, but through your persona as Chairman Mao"--"Meow!" I corrected him--"Your persona as, um, let's just say Supreme Leader, hails from Mainland China. This is an inconsistency, and I am curious as to how you can reconcile your claim of leadership of the People's Republic with your ancestry of a Siamese cat."
I will not tolerate dissent!!!
This man no longer bothers me about my consistency. He sits on a park bench moaning, "The Cat! The Cat!" while presenting a face that looks like a Kandinsky to the passers-by who try to ignore him.
Sometimes while sharpening my claws on upholstery (don't pretend you've never done the same) I think that it's a shame that hemophelia is so rare in the human population. But then I am heartened by another British Royal Wedding. Makes me cry, it does. Too bad they're too old for a litter.
Oh, wait! I think I see Mr. Squirrel out the window! Who's king of the jungle now, you squirrelly little rodent? Who's re-educating whom, huh, you counter-revolutionary bucktooth nuteater?
Ow.
Damn window.
Don't look so smug.
Apr. 11th, 2005 @ 08:05 pm
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| » Don't You Know That You Can Count Me Out/In/Out/In/Out/In... |
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I was trying to get bram to play a fun game with me the other day. I call it Inside/Outside/Inside/Outside/Inside/Outside. But no. He was busy, on the computer. "Shush!" he said. "I'm typing in your journal entry!"
I will not tolerate dissent!
One of the good things about being an autocratic ruler, or a cat, is that you can treat people as objects. Chairs and people are both among my favorite objects, but I'm a little fuzzy on the distinction between the two. I am, after all, the chairman. Anywho, after the Inside/Outside/Inside/Outside/Inside/Outside game, my next favorite game is to sit on people for long periods of time, rendering them immobile. It helps the bipeds to prioritize their lives. Who really cares about getting that phone call, especially when the answering machine will pick it up? If the house burns down, you can get a new one. If the terrorists attack, they kill you. BFD. But you damn well better not disturb the cat!
Jan. 4th, 2005 @ 02:41 pm
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enraged